Dealing with emotional pain: the light at the end of the tunnel

Dealing with emotional pain is no stranger to me. Depression, apathy, overwhelming feeling of emptiness, struggling to put words to meaning. I have been transparent about my struggles with mental health. I remember one of my first depressive episodes in middle school. The feeling of emptiness, loneliness, and struggling to connect with the world around you. Nothing making you happy, not even your favorite movie, favorite song, favorite game- nothing.

I find that my threshold for stressors gets lower as I get more worn down and closer to burnout. During this time, something that may seem so mundane to someone can make me want to curl up in a ball and isolate myself.

I had a very rough weekend this past weekend. When my emotions get worse, my cognition depletes as well. I can’t remember things. I forget items. Problem-solving gets harder. It’s all about where your brain sends its energy and which neural network systems take precedence. And realizing I forgot things does not make my mental health any better.

Am I alone?

One of my favorite quotes was on the topic of Gia Carangi, a supermodel who had a difficult life.

I find parts of myself in the comment. I have struggled to put pieces to the puzzle and come up with an explanation of why I feel the way I do. It is like a black hole in my heart that cannot be satisfied. I would not say it’s always there- but when I get to the point of burnout or the point of stressors taking over… I feel it lingering no matter how hard I try to slap a smile on my face. I have a great amount of blessings in my life, but I cannot help be feel this way.

What do I do when this emotion creeps back up?

I love self-help, but during situations like this, I want to simply be with the feeling and let it take its course. It is during times like this when I feel like my baseline is a cup of water at its height, and any inconvenience causes the water to overflow. I cannot attend to tasks that maybe I wanted to do, like going out or working on my projects. I will find myself writing and journaling my experience. I see the words for onto paper.

The way I feel things so deeply is something that I struggle with. But I also know it has brought me so much joy. I can write beautiful poetry. I can connect with other people dealing with intense emotions. It makes me think maybe I was put on this earth to talk about my mental and physical help problems. Maybe, I was put on here to help give people the words they do not have. Being able to experience these emotions and using this platform as an outlet is healing in itself.

Updated feelings: I spent time with people and things that made me happy. I felt more myself and more at ease. Less “on-edge.” I went to a comedy show with my good friends and laughed my butt off (there are neurobiological implications for laughing mediating negative emotion). My emotions are feeling better- this is to remind you that things are cyclical. I find that with every uncomfortable or negative emotion I experience, I learn something new about how I view the world. I learned that my body is protesting something that my mind hasn’t recognized yet.

A poem I wrote “Forced Smile: I am a walking contradiction. I will look in the mirror and say “I choose to be happy” and then turn around to greet the feeling of emptiness that awaits. I no longer see my pain and my sadness with negative connotations. I see it as my body telling me something that I’m not yet aware of.”