Dealing With Heavy Emotions on Drinking Holidays as a Non-drinker
Are you bitter because of the fear of missing out, or is there more to the story when it comes to drinking holidays, such as St. Paddy’s Day?
As a nondrinker, this is a terrible holiday for me to be around. I would love to go out to Michigan and just sit in a cabin and write. I do not want to be around the chaos.
My history with St. Paddy’s Day
I grew up on the northwest side of Chicago. We would take the train with vodka in our McDonald’s sprites. We would run around like the teenagers we were. We made memories, and I will never get those times back.
I had massive self-esteem and control issues around this time. I thought that putting on this brave face would help step me out of the madness that was in my mind. So often did I find salvation in forgetting about my problems by going on. I did not have the power to sit down and confront those head-on.
Giving Up Alcohol
I gave up alcohol for a multitude of reasons. For one, my inflammatory markers have never looked as good as they do after I gave it up (a c-reactive of 0.1 is crazy!!!!!). I feel more connected to the world around me. I can create and write with a clear mind. Words flow easily. I am continuously inspired. I experience migraines at least once a week… why would I self-induce more pain? I have seen alcohol defeat people more times than I can count. And I cannot say that I loved the person I was when I was drinking.
Something that they don’t tell you when you stop drinking is that your threshold for drunkenness and bars where you cannot hear people go down. I would rather meet you for a nice dinner or coffee where we can talk. I love dancing, but again, can you stand up straight?
Along with this, I do not want it to seem like I am all “high and mighty” for making this decision. There are times when I wish I could go back and just let loose like that. There are times when I do not mind going out and spending time at a concert or bar! It is just not my preferred stress reliever like it used to be. I do not want to take steps back from the progress I have already made toward my physical and mental goals.
Heavy Emotions on Drinking-Oriented Holidays
I posted a video about this, and I had someone comment saying this made more sense. They believed they had a lot of bitterness because of the fear of missing out. In reality, I think of high school me. I have had heavy emotions growing up. Things that I am still confronting after years of the initial occurrence. That stuff stays with you more than you know.
I think of the stupid things I said or did while I was drunk. I think of terrible things that have happened to me because I was drunk. I am still working through these unresolved emotions and letting go of the past because I cannot change it. I’m still learning to forgive the person I was. It is grieving little me going through a difficult time.
Shockingly, there’s a societal pressure to participate. It’s hard because I have heard people say I’m different with negative connotations. It’s hinting at the idea that I’m no longer fun (and yes, that does break my heart because I’ve never been happier). It’s the idea of going out at 9 am and drinking all day that makes me think I am not normal for not wanting to.
Readjusting to this new me
Humans are adaptable. I am learning to apply my values to new situations. I have friends and family who are okay with me saying no to plans and yes to others. I reaffirm all the beautiful connections and insights I made over the past couple of months.
I am a very introspective person. As these feelings keep coming out, I’m just going to keep on doing the things I love: reading, writing, moving, and spending time with people I care about.
If you are going through something similar, please feel free to reach out. I know some things surrounding drinking can be triggering. I am still working up the courage to admit traumatic things that have happened while drinking. And that’s not to say that you HAVE to share your story. Know you are not alone. Know that it is a process.
