HOW MY DESIRE TO BE PERFECT KEPT ME FROM GROWING

Oct 10

How my desire to be perfect kept me from growing

On my more niche, SLP blog subconscious-slp.com, I discussed perfectionism and how it impacted my growth as a clinician. Perfectionism has haunted my life in many ways. It has been something that made me question my self-worth. It is a characteristic that had so much self-inflicted mental pain. Those thoughts were not needed.

What is perfectionism?

Perfectionism can have positive and negative qualities. To a degree, there is no problem with wanting to excel in an area of your life. Our society encourages the pursuit of cultivating the “perfect life.” Think of “the American Dream.” But when does it become too much?

Perfectionism derives from anxiety and/or self-esteem issues. The comorbidities between perfectionism, obsessive-compulsive disorder, eating disorders, anxiety disorders, depression, thoughts of suicide, and overall less personal satisfaction are so prevalent. Throughout my years of therapy, I have seen this firsthand.

Where does it come from?

I joke about being from a neurotic family often. We all have anxious tendencies. This is something that I have seen firsthand as I was growing up. Some of my family members don’t know how to deal with some situations without getting anxious.

When looking at nature versus nurture, that modeling affects how we are going to continue with our lives. Verbal statements can also be harmful. The comments on our performance or appearance may stick with us throughout our lives. Critical parenting can include telling a child how they could be better. There can also be an over-emphasis on achievement and conditional love based on performance, which could have an impact on how we view ourselves.

An example of this that immediately comes to mind is when I would get an A versus when I would get a B. One of my immediate family members would be very hot and cold depending on my performance. Because of this, I assigned academic performance as a means to being loved.

My Perfectionistic Story Continued

The perfectionism became part of my personality. It was one of the darkest parts of me. I had so much negativity that kept me back. It stemmed from extremely low self-esteem. I did not think I was pretty or I was smart.

I remember clearly, flinching, every time I got a question wrong in class. I would excuse myself and have a moment in the bathroom. I’m not sure if it was my head trauma or if this was just who I was at this period. It was dark.

I did not take challenges as I should have. I procrastinated. I probably could have had so many scholarships or awards if I had the strength to overcome my fears.

Trigger warning ED: I sought out every way to make myself fit the image I wanted. I tried every diet in the book. I followed every exercise regimen out there. Nothing seemed to fill the void despite how much my body fluctuated. The comparison began to eat me alive.

During graduate school, I feared going to clinic. I feared giving a wrong target or giving feedback that sounded off. My social anxiety was at an all-time high during this stage.

It started to impact my clinical grades. Finally, my clinical supervisor, who I was close with, told me to give myself grace. It was the only way I was going to learn. This was the time to mess up and make mistakes.

It was all beginning to unravel. During the lockdown, as many people were, I had to confront these thoughts and feelings. And I am so happy I did.

Perfectionism Traits:

Setting high standards for yourself
Intense fear of failure
All-or-nothing thinking
Avoiding challenges and procrastinating
Self-criticism and self-doubt
Need for control
Discounting positives and focusing on negatives
“Should” statements and comparing yourself to others
Personalization and blame
Distorted thinking
Comparison to others

As you can see, I had multiple of these traits. Self-criticism, avoiding challenges, need for control, focusing on negatives, and comparing myself to others.

How did I manage to make it out alive?

Overcoming Perfectionism

I’m sure this could be a whole blog post in itself. I have been in therapy for quite some time and have experienced life events that have forced me to practice self-compassion and give myself grace.

Awareness + Acceptance

The first step was the awareness that something was wrong and the acceptance that something had to change. It is scary to get to the point where you realize things could be better. Taking that leap of acceptance is monumental. Confiding in family, and friends, and seeking a therapist was so helpful.

Focusing on Yourself

I cut out social media for a time period. It got to the point where I only used it to communicate with my friends and family. There was more fun sending eachother posts and commenting on everyone’s things than I did going into others’ profiles. I found that I was pickier of who I followed and if someone did not give me a good vibe, I unfollowed them.

I started using social media differently once I did get back on. Instead of following and idealizing people I barely knew, I started focusing on myself. I followed creators who posted content I wanted to know about, like neuroscience or mental health. They gave me inspiration!

Setting Realistic Goals For Yourself

I looked into my goals and saw what actually mattered to me. Sometimes, friends and family members (and even society in general) influence our goals. I realized what I wanted in life. Instead of casting goals years into the future, I focused on what was in reach. For example, instead of wanting to make a million dollars or have a ton of followers, I want to make and create things that feel good to ME.

Letting Go of Control

I realized it is impossible to control every aspect in your life. It’s unfeasible. It also is not fun. Letting go of control allowed me to let things flow as they naturally should. It may sound woo-woo, but I found much more came to me and aligned with me than I realized. I had opportunities come than I may have not had otherwise. This also allowed me to flourish in my relationships, academically, and with my physical health. I found myself being more present to the things within my control, including my responsibilities to my job and obligations I made to myself.

Practicing self-love and compassion

Letting go of control meant I had to trust myself enough to do so. It required an amount of self-love I didn’t previously have. Self-love started small, with daily affirmations and gratitude about the things I liked about myself and the potential that I held. Over time, these little thoughts stuck with me. I saw them as my reality.

It got easier with time. It is almost effortless coming up with affirmations and gratitude lists. I like writing lists as big as I’m grateful for my job, to as small as I’m grateful I can get out of bed this morning. I find myself taking care of my mind, body, and spirit. The world moves differently once you make yourself a priority, and once you see the good that you innately are.

Focusing on the positive

To continue off the theme of gratitude lists, I focused on the positive. How I tackled this was to reframe my thinking. Instead of “black and white” or “all-or-nothing” thinking, I would tell myself that one thing going wrong does not define my reality. Instead of assuming people thought I was stupid, I would tell myself how people think more about themselves than me. It is personification that makes me think that I’m the problem OR I am the eye of everyone’s universe.

Mindfulness and being present to the world around me has been monumental when overcoming perfectionism. I feel more connected to others and that I move with more grace. I do not get as anxious as I would have originally. If I find myself feeling a negative thought, I simply breathe it out or journal all my thoughts away.

“Overcoming perfectionism is a recovery process, more like nurturing a flower’s bloom than fixing a broken object.”

Your journey with perfectionism

Whether you have perfectionism, you know someone with perfectionism, or you are reading this to support my work, I hope you found takeaways from this post. The control and obsession that arises from perfectionism can impact the lives of many. I am sending love to anyone who is on their journey to overcome perfectionism.