I BROKE MY APPLE WATCH TODAY: FREEDOM AND LIVING INTUITIVELY
If you’re my boyfriend or roommate and you’re reading this, I’m sorry!
I want to provide a trigger warning. This post will mention calories (no numbers) and compulsive exercise.
I was reaching into my backpack and my Apple watch caught onto something. As I pulled my wrist out, the face of the watch ripped off. Why did I feel a sense of relief… I started laughing when I saw it!
I have a history of rigid thinking and tendencies when it comes to fitness, exercise, and body image. There was a time when I constantly had to close the rings, get X amount of steps, stand X amount of hours, and burn X amount of c*lories. The way I would be defined but how much I did in a day. It would make or break my mood. I would push myself harder when I emotionally did not want to.
Way to rub it in my face, Apple Watch
As you can imagine, having an autoimmune disease with this mindset was not feasible. The chronic fatigue pushed me to my limits. I will never forget the day it clicked that something was wrong with my joints. I couldn’t run. I tried to push myself and watched my watch get me to .2 more miles but I couldn’t do it. That felt like heartbreak.
This only exacerbated my depression. I couldn’t work out like I used to. I saw that I was closing fewer and fewer rings. Not being able to reach the miles I used to. I lowered my “set goal” for activity levels. There were days that I did not wear my watch just so I didn’t have to see it (It sounds dramatic, but it’s true!).
I have been better, but it is not to say it has been easy to shake off. There are periods where I find myself getting excited about how many steps I get or closing more rings. Knowing how addicted to goal-reaching/health rewards (literally the Apple Watch’s curates towards these types of personas), I try to reorient myself.
Bringing myself back down to earth.
Knowing my diagnosis helped me handle this. I don’t necessarily define myself by a diagnosis by any means, but it is a piece of the puzzle that is me. My watch, or any device for that matter, cannot grasp the subjectivity of having an autoimmune disease. Even if you try to tailor it, there is so much more that goes into play. My body is not to be generalized.
Some reminders I give myself…
This watch does not:
define how I live my life
know how I feel today and how much energy I’m pushing
know what I ate today or how much I slept
revolve around my life
make me less of a person if I don’t close my rings
Also, half the time I swear that watch is wrong.
*Edit: It sounds funny saying “it makes me less of a person if I don’t close my rings.” But you get so wrapped up in that mindset! It is almost like a cult. It is disheartening to re-read this and see that it got to that level. It makes me proud of how far I’ve come and even recognizing these trends.
What is life without the watch?
My relationship with my body has grown significantly. I take my time walking or I slow down from “jogging” if I need to. I don’t feel the need to work out if I don’t want to or if I don’t feel good. I don’t feel bad about relaxing or lying down to read instead of what I could be doing.
I have more trust in my body to tell me what my needs are. If I start feeling antsy or if I feel sluggish, I will move my body. I don’t need reminders to stand up. I don’t need a watch to tell me what my energy is or what I should be doing that is considered healthy.
There were times when I felt overwhelmed with the watch. I constantly receive notifications and feel the need to check when I feel the vibration. Without this distraction, I feel present and connected to what is in front of me.
Although these occur when I take breaks from my watch, these are trends that I have felt each time I do. I go back for the function of texts and to tell time during work. I’m excited to see how things will change without it.
Okay, I’m not going to completely bash Apply watches!
Apple watches are helpful for SO MANY people. As mentioned, I have people in my life who love their watches and enjoy tracking their fitness and steps. You can easily use functions from your phone on it. It can save a life with the activation of emergency systems. I know of people who benefit GREATLY from wearing their watch for other diagnoses. An example, during the period we were considering POTS, my doctors wanted me to track my heart rate using the watch. There IS a medical purpose. It serves others well! Also, to state the obvious, it’s a cool way to tell time!
I do still have symptoms that could make me bedridden. I may consider getting an Oura ring or something that will help predict when I’m getting sick or sleep-related data. Maybe if there’s a good heart rate one, I would consider it for my little miss dysautonomia. But as far as the Apple watch goes, our relationship is over!
